MY ANSWERING MACHINE cheerfully invites callers to leave a message for five family members. Four are human and one is our cat. Guess who gets the most messages? The one with the fur — Tonka.

I bring this up because we tend to treat pets like people. My friend has a bunny that sleeps in her bed. A neighbor has a poodle who gets spa treatments seasonally. And a co-worker has a bird that watches television with her.

But what do we do when our pets die? We mourn their loss for awhile — then replace them. Heck. Most of them don’t even get a picture in the family photo album.

Inga Heuser is a local photographer who wants to change that. She’s been offering her services free to folks with seriously ill or elderly pets. She meets many of them on the trails that lace our hills.

“One was a man with a 20-year-old dog. They were such a great match, both very old,” she said of Edward Genser and his dog, Cody. Heuser’s photo captured the love between Genser and Cody, his best friend of two decades. It also made her think about her own special pet growing up.

“I had a bunny and I put all that love into my bunny but had only one single photo,” she lamented. “I regret that.”

How do you honor an animal that has loved you unconditionally? Just talking about your pet doesn’t seem to be enough.

Perhaps the old adage is true; a picture really is worth a thousand words. Inga’s phone number at Veni Vidi Click! is 800-822-1248.

E-MAIL BAG: Reader Chuck Harrison loves Montclair’s new Rite Aid renovation, especially the blood pressure station.

“Ginny, I do realize you are not doing a medical column,” he writes, but goes on to urge both men and women to check their blood pressure regularly. The pharmacy’s health station not only has a free machine but pocket-sized cards for you to record and keep your data.

SAY SI: Michael Fee has a vision. He wants to teach thousands of Bay Area kids how to speak Spanish. The hills father of three runs a company called Lango, which offers innovative Spanish classes in the Rockridge neighborhood.

“We incorporate songs, games, various movement and play activities and a lot of arts and crafts,” he said, adding he’d like to branch out and teach French, Mandarin and other languages too.

ROYAL RIDE: The Royal Grounders bike club is riding for more than just fun these days.

Reader Ron Scravani says it’s doing a 25-mile fundraising ride for Joaquin Miller School on March 25. If you want more information, you can usually find these guys in the mornings at Royal Ground Coffee Shop in Montclair. Or you can e-mail Karen Fee at Karen@teamfee.com.

HIT-AND-RUN: Hills private eye Mike Spencer has a tough case to crack — his own. Spencer was rear-ended at Shepherd Canyon and Snake a couple of weeks ago, and said the motorist took off without exchanging information. He described the scofflaw as middle-aged, driving a light blue car with a young female passenger. He’s offering a $200 reward for information leading him to the bumper lover. If you have any clues, you can call Spencer at 510 593-3767.

I HAD ONE of those surreal moments the other night. Coming home from a party about 1 a.m., I stood in the driveway to savor the night. It’s not often that I’m up that late, and the moon had this eerie red glow, which, I soon realized, was a lunar eclipse.

But what really struck me was the way the owls were acting. They were calling to one another with great urgency — “hooting up a storm,” as they say in some places. I listened intently for several minutes, before it dawned on me. I had a front-row seat to one of nature’s best productions — a light show with music from a chorus of owls. Do I dare call it — a WHO concert?

SAVVY SENIORS: Older adults are finding a friend in the tech world. She’s a teacher named Deborah Brooks, who runs computer classes for seniors at Piedmont Adult School. Reader Yvonne Byron takes classes from Brooks, and says it’s opened up a new world for her.

“Deborah was an ESL teacher first, which has helped her teach people a whole new vocabulary,” Bryon said.

Brooks wrote her own textbook and has another one in the works. And she makes house calls.

“She is tutoring an older lady who does not drive and who is learning to order groceries by computer now,” said Byron, who added that Brooks has taught seniors as old as 96. For more information, you can call Brooks at 510-531-2822 or find her online at www.yourpersonaltutor.com.

CRIME CONCERNS: The neighbors on Melville are on alert after a series of auto and home break-ins this year. In one case, a resident caught two teenage boys and an older woman breaking into his wife’s car (which was parked on the street). Despite his efforts to grab one of the guys, they got away in what was reportedly a stolen SUV. How do you protect your property? Police say it repeatedly — keep your car in a locked garage and protect your home with locks that can’t be compromised.

TICKET SHOCK: A while back, I wrote about folks getting $250 fines for stopping, even briefly, in the bus lane outside Cybelle’s Pizza. I had so many reader complaints, it seemed the county sheriff’s department was lying in wait for violators. Now there’s another hot spot for tickets — the red zone in front of Washington Mutual on Mountain at La Salle. It’s right next to a bank of mail boxes, so there’s plenty of temptation, but don’t succumb. Use the snorkel box at Mountain and Colton instead.

E-MAIL BAG: Thanks to Ed Schilling for telling me about a big concert March 17 and 18. It features a rather unusual instrument — a $1.4 million pipe organ that was installed last year at First Congregational Church in Berkeley. Add to that an orchestra and 100-member choir and you’ve got an amazing musical event. For concert times and ticket prices, call 510-848-3696.

ANIMAL TALES: You’ve heard of a tiger in your tank? Try a mouse in your engine. Two readers have told me they’ve had mice make nests under the hoods of their cars. In one case, a field mouse made a nice cotton bed in the wiring of a Toyota Prius. It took mechanics some time to pinpoint the problem but when they did, they removed the nest and repaired the insulation, to the tune of $5,000. An even bigger surprise — the warranty paid for the whole thing!

IF ONLY I could turn back the clock about a dozen years. I discovered a cafe in the Temescal at 4210 Telegraph Ave. the other day that would have made life so much easier when I had young kids.

Tumble & Tea Cafe is the brainchild of two moms who wanted a place for children to play and parents to relax. A place with good food and comfortable couches and free wireless Internet.

The concept is so simple — a perfectly designed room split in two. One side has castles and climbing structures and puzzles and toys, and the other is a cafe, where you can get a panini, a pastry, a latte or other adult treats. Of course, they make pizzas and sandwiches for the kids, too, but co-owner Gina DeCarlo says it’s really about the adults.

“The colors, the décor, the comfy couches, the music — it’s really for the caregiver,” she said.

Tell that to the kids, who seem perfectly content to play while their adult charges actually unwind, have a conversation or read a good book.

“Our plan is to have five in five years,” says DeCarlo, who along with her business partner, Sue Older, is looking to open in other locations such as Walnut Creek. It’s a long way off, but I see myself going there someday — with a grandchild on one arm and my laptop under the other.

HAPPY TRAILS: Shepherd Canyon Park is really shaping up, thanks to the organizations and volunteers who’ve been putting in long hours in our little greenbelt. Reader Mike Petouhoff says the kids at the East Bay Conservation Corps have made “nature’s Stairmaster” on the slope above the soccer field, a new path that does switchbacks up to the high point on Escher Road.

“At the top of the path, and at several points on the way up,” he says, “there is a beautiful view of San Francisco Bay.”

I made the hike the other day, stopping to smell the soap root plants that volunteers put in. Legend has it they were used by the Native Americans to make soap. Miner’s lettuce and wild onions also grow in the area, which offers surprising solitude for such a small park.

At the top of the trail on Escher Road, two new picnic tables invite hikers to enjoy their lunch outdoors. The tables have been hit by graffiti vandals twice in recent days, but the city has been on top of the problem.

We should all be so proud of the folks that have worked so hard to clean up this park, which was once a dump site for the city’s maintenance yard. And Petouhoff says his group isn’t through. They want to spruce up the top of the trail at Escher Road, with an arbor in the Shinto style of a torri gate.

“We’re working to hunt down the next Boy Scout to take on this project,” he says. Are there any Eagle Scout candidates out there? You can contact me and I’ll put you in touch with the right people.

CELEBRITY COOK: Hills mom Maureen Woelffer is coming off quite a Christmas, after being featured in several high-profile magazines for her gingerbread cookie parties. Woelffer and her three girls were shown baking and decorating holiday treats as part of an advertising campaign for Glad plastic wrap. Could a call from Betty Crocker be next?

WHEN I WAS in high school, I tried to break up a dog fight. The result was a bite on my index finger that still gives me trouble today. Well — here I am, all these years later, in yet another dog fight. This one pits park police against pet owners who violate the law by letting their dogs run off-leash on the Shepherd Canyon-to-Montclair trail. Park police Sgt. Ron Yelder says his officers are patrolling the trail because they’ve had ongoing complaints about potentially vicious dogs.
“It’s a quality-of-life issue,” he says, “when parents feel they can’t walk their kids on the trails.”
And contrary to what one reader suggested, these officers handle park matters only. The streets of Oakland are not their jurisdiction, so they’re not “wasting their time when they could be fighting crime.”

Instead of blasting me, as one reader did, folks should be thanking me for the warning. I know for a fact that I’ve saved at least one dog owner the cost of a stiff fine that she would have received, had she not read my column. The law is the law. I didn’t make it — but as the “Town Crier,” I’m compelled to report it.

VILLAGE UPDATE: The dust is flying at Rite Aid, where store manager Damion Wright says the place is getting a $700,000 remodeling job. The plan calls for a bigger pharmacy and more shelf space for things such as housewares and pet supplies — not to mention a whole new check stand layout.

Meanwhile, the old Montclair United Methodist Church at the corner of Shepherd Canyon Road and Mountain has finally been sold. Realtor Steve Moyer says the new buyer won’t be knocking down the building, as some neighbors had feared, but will make the space into offices, keeping the sanctuary intact for church and school groups who may want to lease that space.
Moyer’s other high profile building, the Montclair Women’s Club, is still on the market — for $2.975 million.

MIND GAMES: Tired of those embarrassing “senior moments”? You may want to start stimulating your mind at www.happyneuron.com. The Web site is the brain child of hills entrepreneur Sheryle Bolton and has been featured on “The Today Show” and in several national publications. You just log on and for $9.95 a month you can play dozens of games that have been specially designed by scientists to help “beef up” the brain to develop new pathways.
“It’s good to get your abs in shape, or your arms,” Bolton says. “The same thing is true for your brain. It needs exercise.”

KEY RING BLING: An unlikely new fashion accessory is popping up on the necks of some well-heeled women in Piedmont and Montclair. It’s the Bad Boys Bail Bonds key chain, a nylon necklace that comes in a palate of pleasing colors and sports the company’s toll-free number: 800-BAILOUT (224-5688). One gal told me her key chain compliments the colors of her alma mater, USC. Another woman got a key ring to match her Mercedes. Is it the image of being “just a little naughty” that makes these key rings appealing? Apparently so. At least in this case, it’s good to be bad.

I like to watch fish. Tropical fish, mostly — but in a pinch, I’ll watch goldfish, and even those funny little crabs you can buy in the pet store. But when I really want to relax, I watch cows.

They dot the landscape in about half of our regional parks, moooving lazily along the ridgeline or sitting in the meadow, chewing the fat with their friends. Something I learned in Ireland, although I haven’t seen much of it lately, is how a cow behaves before a storm. They lay down, to keep their spot dry. It’s the only time I see them off their hooves, as cows seem to stand a lot, even when they’re sleeping.

The best place to hike among bovine is Briones Regional Park, but Sibley Volcanic Preserve is a good spot for them, too. There’s also the walk in the watershed off Pinehurst Road, across from the reservoir. In each place, cows of all colors may come up to you, and you need to be prepared.

“Don’t agitate them,” says the EBRP pamphlet on cows. In a fight with a 1,000-pound heifer, you’re almost certain to lose. Don’t walk through a congregation of cows. Go around if you can, especially if you have a dog. Cows don’t like dogs — they look too much like coyotes. And finally, don’t ever get between mother and calf. I friend I know did that once and got gored.

Cows are part of the pastoral setting we enjoy so much. They act as a buffer between the insanity of the city and the loneliness of the country. They’re fun. They can brighten your day. But don’t forget to give them their space.

ACT OF ARSON: No word, yet, on who set the fire that destroyed the office at the East Oakland Community Charter School (the old Hawthorne Elementary). Allison Delgado says staff members were demoralized when they saw what was lost — computers, equipment, and dozens of warm coats that were presents for the students. If you can help with a donation of money or supplies (even something as simple as Kleenex and hand wipes would be welcome) please drop by the school at 1700 28th Ave. in Oakland.

NAME DROPPING: Former Councilman Dick Spees and his wife, Jean, were at the opening of the new “In the Dark” exhibit at the Chabot Space & Science Center the other night. It’s a neat interactive wing where moles and shrews and other beady-eyed critters always seem to be staring at you — and you can’t argue with the venue, a place where it’s so dark you can see millions of stars. Speaking of stars, the Spees both volunteer long hours at Chabot, acting as humble docents leading tours through the massive facility. Imagine the surprise when visitors get to the Dick Spees wing of the building and then look at their guide’s name tag.

ANIMAL TALES: And since I started this column with an animal tale, I’ll end with one. Did you hear the one about the cat who fell in love with the bird? I know — you think it ended in fowl play, but read on.

George Place, who works at the Montclair Rite Aid, says his cat Genevieve and his pigeon Dudley are inseparable.

“It’s a unique relationship,” he says. The cat follows the bird up and down the stairs, even copying its bouncy little step. When its nap time, they sleep together, claw in paw and feathers in fur. This odd couple seems like a natural for David Letterman, but Place says he doesn’t watch the show. Maybe it’s just as well — we’ve already got one high profile sex scandal in the Bay Area.

WHOEVER SAID THE world is getting smaller wasn’t kidding. I’ve taken several flights in recent months and in each case, felt like a smelt in a fish cannery. People are on top of each other at airport gates, spilling out over chairs and sprawling across floors — wolfing down meals in any little spot — even on top of garbage cans!

Add to that the fact that no one wants to check luggage, and who can blame them? Just last week I saw a tattered bag come down the chute in New York with its contents all askew. It turned out to be my friend’s suitcase, with her undergarments going around the belt repeatedly for everyone to see. Sure, the airline got her a new bag but they didn’t reimburse her for pain and suffering. And she never did get the tire marks out of her good sweater.

TRAIL TALK: Several readers have mentioned they’ve seen Oakland police driving on the village trail between Shepherd Canyon Road and Snake Road. They’re apparently warning, and in some cases ticketing pet owners who let their dogs run off-leash on the popular path. I don’t own a dog, but I did witness an incident, recently, where a bounding off-leash dog knocked a handicapped man to the ground. Dogs also run up and down the dirt banks, trampling plants and causing erosion. A few fines may curb some of that.

E-MAIL BAG: What do you get when you combine fresh air and exercise with good will? You get a program called Students Run Oakland, where adults help inner city high school students accomplish great things by running. Reader Mort Landsberg says the program is really inspirational. Not only do the kids learn good fitness, they set life goals and develop team building skills.

Meanwhile, several readers have complained about the fact that Montclair Elementary School locks the gate on its parking lot after hours.

“How unfriendly to the local people,” one caller said, emphasizing the shortage of parking near the village. But neighbors have been complaining about nighttime drug dealing and loitering in the parking lot, and locking the gate is one way to curb that.

BUTTS AND BAGS: Two of the our waterway’s most visible polluters are plastic shopping bags and cigarette butts, according to reader Constance Young. In more than 10 years as a captain on the Hornblower Cruises, she’s seen “a plethora of these trash items not just in the Bay, but on the streets of Oakland.” Short of making a citizen’s arrest when you see someone tossing their butt or letting their bag blow away in the wind, what can you do? Perhaps Oakland could tackle this problem now that a law banning Styrofoam take-out containers is in place.

DELTA SAIL: Get out your cruise wear. The USS Potomac is taking a leisurely sail up the Delta to Old Sacramento on April 11. Picture yourself on FDR’s fancy floating White House as you wind your way past fun and funky Delta towns, enjoying breakfast, lunch and a wine and appetizer reception with music. You’ll even get a history lesson of the ship and the Delta region.

The cost is $225 one way, or $400 if you decide to stay in Old Town and catch the boat back on April 16. For more information, call 510-627-1215.

I’ve always suspected something was lurking, just below the murky green surface. Now it’s been confirmed — Oakland’s Lake Merritt has a monster. Like Scotland’s Loch Ness and Lake Champlain’s Champ, this creature eludes all but the most vigilant observers.

Richard Bailey, the resident expert, has seen the great head of the beast — with its glowing red eyes and spiked horns.

“It’s got six or seven humps like you’d see on the Loch Ness,” he proclaims, adding that the creature measures more than 10 feet in length. Frightening? You bet! But Bailey says it’s also a tourist attraction, if you don’t get too close. He’s sent out a letter to the City Council asking that the creature be protected as an endangered species. Perhaps the company Monster.com would like to buy the naming rights.

TENNESSEE BOUND: Michelle Slonecker has closed her popular About Face salon (inside Dina’s) and moved to Tennessee. No, it had nothing to do with my column on Nashville last week. She has a good friend in Springhill (about 40 minutes from Nashville) and the timing was right.

“It was God’s move,” she says, “because my house sold in two days.”

And you can probably guess what she paid for a brand-new 2,000 square-foot home on a big wooded lot in Springhill — $214,000. Still, it’s tough to leave your customers and friends after 33 years in business and Slonecker admits she’s had a couple of “good cries.” Good luck, Michelle — we’ll all miss you.

MAIL BAG: Last month’s column item on the upcoming changes at Albertson’s prompted reader Leona Narita to add her support for the switch to Save Mart.

“It’s like a regular supermarket,” she says, adding there’s one in Turlock where her mother lives. “It’s much nicer than the Albertson’s here in Oakland — newer and in better condition.”

HORSE TALK: Oakland was a horse town, back in its “hay day.” The hills were dotted with livestock and barns, and folks galloped along the ridgeline on lightning-fast steeds. A couple of local horsewomen are writing a book about Oakland’s equestrian heritage, to be published next spring during the Grand National Rodeo.

Co-authors Amelia Marshall and Terry L. Tobey are looking for old photographs for their book. If your family has a horse history in the hills, call Marshall at 510-482-9718.

ANIMAL TALES: It’s not unusual to have visitors on New Year’s Eve, but John Broadus was pretty surprised when he walked out on his deck and saw a coyote.

“As first I thought it was a dog,” he writes, “but then I realized that it was not.”

The man and the coyote locked eyes in frozen silence before the animal broke his stare and disappeared into the darkness. Wiley and spry, he no doubt rang in the New Year by howling at the moon.