What’s a birthday party without a clown? That’s probably what director Julie Jones was thinking when she planned the party for Oakland’s Ascension Senior Center. She picked, perhaps, the Bay Area’s most famous clown to entertain her group – the cosmic cut-up Wavy Gravy. “I’m an activist clown and a frozen dessert,” Wavy laughed, referring to the ice-cream flavor that bears his name. But he’s also something else. A trooper. Despite 7 back surgeries that left him clearly in pain, he showed up to entertain the crowd last week. Looking out over a sea of gray hair, he told a few jokes and then laid himself down on a bed he’d brought into the room. And why was it so important for him to show up for the 26th anniversary? You’ve probably heard, the Senior Center is in danger of losing is funding. It’s fate, like that of other Adult Education programs, is tied to state funding for the Oakland Schools. Jones says she’s doing everything she can to keep her center alive, since it serves hundreds of hills seniors with lunch and dozens of activities each week. She sees Wavy Gravy as one person who can bring attention to her plight.

Building Facelift: It seems like just yesterday that Albertons opened in Montclair, but already the store is getting a facelift. A 17 week remodeling project started this week, that will add another aisle of frozen foods and pump up the produce department (with more organic fruits and vegetables). The final touch will be new paint through-out.

Column Comments: My column on crime (February 25th) prompted reader John Marquette to ask why Oakland Police don’t cut down on their paperwork by using voice recorders? He knows of a police department in Ohio where patrols use voice recorders and have civilians transcribe their notes, freeing up manpower. With that system in place, maybe John would have gotten a better response when he reported 2 vehicle vandalisms on his street (Clemens Road) last month. “Every police number I called had either been disconnected or no-one answered,” he says. John’s wife finally got a live person to mail out a crime report form. But police were apparently too busy to come out and take fingerprints off the rock that was used to smash the car windows.
Meanwhile, reader Nick Solli sees a solution for a different kind of manpower crunch – at the local libraries. “When I went to the Oakland Animal Shelter recently, I saw they had a lot of volunteers,” Nick says, wondering why the Montclair Library couldn’t have volunteers supplement their staff. He says he would help out, and thinks a lot of other folks, especially retirees, would offer their services too.

Shop Talk: Wheels of Justice in Montclair just finished up an 8 week internship with 2 middle school kids from the Canyon School. The boys learned everything from tagging merchandise to changing a flat tire in their ninety minute sessions each Wednesday afternoon. While working in a bike shop was fun, the guys may have been “trumped” by their classmates who landed the internship at Chez Panisse. They got to taste that great food each week.

Punny Plate: The Volkswagen Beetle is the cutest counter culture car I’ve ever seen. So it caught my eye when I spotted a lime green bug, last week, with the personalized plate HIP PEA.
All it needed was that popular bumper sticker “Imagine Whirled Peas”.

THIS IS a column about nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty to say, but none of it’s really important. For instance, did you know there’s self-checkout at Albertsons in Montclair? When I was a kid, I fantasized about being a grocery store checker. Now, I can do the job any time I like. I can check myself out day and night. And speaking of Albertsons, they’ve got the cheapest lunch in town, now, with their parking lot barbecues. For a buck, you can take two chicken legs to the park and have yourself a picnic. Add a wing and you’re really living.

SPEAKING OF FOOD: KCBS radio did a piece on Grinders in Montclair recently comparing the sandwich shop to that famous eatery in New York featured in Seinfeld’s “Soup Nazi” episode. Anyone who goes to Grinders knows the subs are tasty and the service is no nonsense. In other words, know what you want before you get up to the counter.
Meanwhile, have you noticed the turnover in shops in Montclair lately? Rent is the reason that many store owners say they can’t stay. Finer Things would still be open today if the landlord had agreed to a plan that merchant Toni Murphy had worked out to share her space with Maurine Marie from the Malt Shop. Still, Murphy was lucky. She got an offer on her house just as she was shutting down shop and now she’s off to Pacific Grove.
These are just my observations as I walk around town. They won’t make the headlines, but they’re interesting, nonetheless. A column about nothing. Maybe it will catch on.
TASTY TRIP: One of the most popular field trips for local students is to Semifreddi’s Factory in Emeryville. Two of the owners of the popular bakery, Nancy and Mike Rose, have children at Montclair Elementary School, and offer interesting tours that are capped off with a free bag of bread for each visitor. Happy 20th anniversary to Semifreddi’s — a great local company with wonderful bread.

E-MAIL BAG: Regarding my Feb. 18 column on Oakland police issuing tickets to Montclair motorists, reader Toni Walchek writes: “It’s nice to have a beat officer in Montclair. However, you and your readers should be aware that Felicia Aisthorpe has written up people (me included) for ‘illegal’ U-turns at intersections.”
Walchek says that according to the California Driver Handbook, U-turns in business districts are permitted at intersections. I looked this up and thought the wording was ambiguous. But appealing a ticket or dealing with the DMV can be so frustrating, I think I’d skip the U-turn all together.

THINK SUMMER: Anyone with kids knows it’s already time to think about summer camps. But with all kinds of options, how do you know what’s out there? On March 13, almost 100 summer camps and programs will be set up at Oakland’s Scottish Rite Center for the annual Children’s Summer Programs Information Fair. From preschool to high school, your kids are covered at this one stop shop. It’s free, so get there early — close to 2,000 people are expected to attend. For more information, call 510-287-9855.

HAUNTED OAKLAND: I just love a good ghost tale, don’t you? So I thought I’d share a Web site that tracks spooky stories around the country and here at home that details dozens of haunted places, including Mills College, where a shadowy ghost carriage travels the road behind two dormitories. Oakland’s Holmes Book Co. has a “spirited character” who reportedly throws books around. Our city’s SPCA has a friendly specter who weeds the grounds around the pet crematory. And even Joaquin Miller Park has a resident wraith – the ghost of a woman who was hit by a truck as she crossed the road one foggy night. I get chills just thinking about it.

IF CRIME isn’t the No. 1 problem in Oakland, it’s close. And more and more readers are sharing their stories of theft and frustration. Take the man on my street whose van was stolen from his garage. Neighbors felt certain that an abandoned truck nearby was linked to the crime. But it took several weeks for police to respond and when they did, the officer admitted that “probably nothing could be done”
Earlier this month, LeAnne Bearden’s car was stolen in the Laurel District. Police found it on a Friday afternoon, but didn’t call her till the following Tuesday. It sat it the tow yard, collecting fines for five days, which she then had to pay to get the car back. “It’s like being a victim twice,” she says. “First by the thief and then by the city.”
Just as frustrating as the slow response is police saying they’re too strapped to investigate these crimes. Whatever happened to “dusting for fingerprints” and talking to witnesses?
In the end, really all we can do is stay vigilant. Keep our cars locked up at night and have some kind of alarm for the daytime.
Because with this kind of crime, protecting our assets is up to us.

TENDER WORDS: You’ve probably seen the “Chicken Soup” books. There are several versions, with the latest being “Chicken Soup for the Single Parent’s Soul.” Nestled in the dozens of inspiring articles is one from Skyline High graduate Mike Robbins, who writes a tribute to his Oakland hills mom. Lois was single when she raised her two kids. Mike remembers how she taught him to play baseball, then supported him at Skyline and Stanford and into the minor leagues for the Kansas City Royals. But for all his accomplishments, this may be the sweetest. “He gave me a wrapped copy of the book,” Lois says, “and he asked me to read it out loud.” Her reaction lit up the room. “I went nuts — crying, screaming and carrying on.” Mike turned 31 this month, but Lois feels like she got the birthday present — and the nicest thank you a son could ever give.

POSTAL TIDBIT: Just when you thought every branch of government was broke, the United States Postal Service has expanded its branch hours in Montclair! It’s just a test, mind you, but now you can mail your packages and buy your stamps until 7 p.m. on weeknights.
Of course, not everyone sees the need for this change. One reader reports that her friend looked blankly at her and said, “Why, with stamps.com do you even care what the hours are?”

E-MAIL BAG: If you’ve got pop-up problems on your computer, here’s a reader who can sympathize, and even help. Dr.Max Mansoubi says he’s just opened the Bay Area’s first anti-spyware and anti-malware computer clinic — at 3756 Grand Ave. in Oakland.
Experts say spyware is becoming a huge threat that not even anti-virus programs can contain. You know you’re infected when so many advertisements pop up, your computer slows to a crawl.

SPORTS MANIA: Congratulations to Ricky’s Sports Bar in San Leandro for being Sports Illustrated’s pick for No. 2 sports bar in the nation. Ricky Ricardo (I love that name) has good pub food and just about every sporting event you could ask for on an insane number of televisions (he even has them in the bathrooms!) And on Easter Sunday night Ricky’s spotlights an Oakland band called, appropriately, the Easter Eggs — live in the lounge.

IF EVER you doubted the stimulating properties of the coffee bean — look no further than Montclair Village on a Wednesday or Sunday morning.
Gathered inside the biggest coffee shop in Montclair is a group of cyclists ready to roll. They’re called the Royal Grounders, and they’re fueled by the same black brew that the rest of us use, only they seem to get more mileage.
“Our cycling ‘tribe’ started about five years ago,” says local attorney Howard Neal, “as an informal group of mostly Montclair residents.”
They convene for their coffee at 8 a.m., then ride north to Lake Temescal and up to Skyline Boulevard. And that’s just the beginning.
“When we started riding five years ago, that was all us 40- and 50-somethings could manage,” Neal laughs, but soon the boomers were biking to the steam trains in Tilden Park, then over the hill to Orinda.
In fact, the ‘tribe’s’ inspiration is Lafayette cyclist Joe Shami, who at 70 bikes 400-500 miles a month. And the group keeps on growing, with founder Ron Scrivani pumping out regular e-mails about cycle trips throughout California. From Solvang to Yosemite, they put the pedal to the metal in some of the state’s most stunning scenery. But one thing remains the same. Coffee and camaraderie begin each ride at Royal Ground in Montclair.

COPS ON CORNERS: If some of you were stung by big, fat U-turn tickets last week in the village, look for more of the same.
Montclair’s beat officer, Felicia Aisthorpe, says she’ll not only be looking for vehicle violations, but will be ticketing jaywalkers in the next few weeks. The fines are hefty and plenty of people have given Felicia a piece of their mind, which is not fair to her. We might as well face it, the law is the law. And quite frankly, nothing is more annoying than a motorist who makes a sweeping U-turn right in front of you. It needs to stop.

CRIME SCENE: Speaking of cops, merchants are still talking about the action in Montclair recently when police rounded up the suspect in the Knitting Basket robbery. Acting irrationally and muttering something about being a member of the band “Motley Crue,” he reportedly grabbed money from the tip jar at Noah’s Bagels. When merchants realized where they’d seen him before, they called police, who hurried to the scene with guns drawn, and hauled him away.

RAFFLING PRIUS: Thanks to reader Heather Marchman for letting me know that Oakland’s Bentley School is raffling off a brand new Toyota Prius. Yes, a silver hybrid beauty will go to the lucky number holder, with tickets selling for $100 each. The drawing will be held April 2 and the chances of winning are much better than the state lottery, since only 1,250 tickets will be sold. Proceeds go to scholarships and teacher enrichment programs. For more information, visit the Web site at www.bentleyschool.net.

TOOTING MY HORN: Faithful readers know the “Town Crier” rarely boasts, but this is just too good to keep quiet. While walking the other day, a gal stopped me to say: “Do you know who you look like?” I couldn’t imagine and wasn’t sure I wanted to hear, but I indulged her. “From the side, you look just like Grace Kelly,” she exclaimed. I went home feeling lighter than air, hoping all along that she didn’t need glasses.

I’VE OFTEN admired the Latin culture. They really know how to embrace life. So, I wasn’t surprised to see a rumba line through the window of the new La Taza de Café on Thornhill Drive the other night. With the building flooded in moonlight, the silhouettes of dancers called to me. I parked the car.
Live Latin jazz sent sparks through the room as my waiter, Diego Escobar, beckoned me to enter. The sangrias were flowing, and the smell of warm tapas filled my senses, though I’d just eaten. This was the place I’d written about just months earlier when I interviewed the owner, Daniel Brajkovich. La Taza was finally open, and the word was starting to spread.
“Amazing entertainment and I’m already craving the tapas again,” wrote one diner in an online restaurant review. Another entry said “Excellent food and service — cozy, quaint and delicious.” But the best endorsement came from neighbor Robbie Neely, whose group “Friends of Montclair Village” asked folks a while back what they wanted to see. “A number of pleas were made for more nightlife, good music, more variety of restaurants,” she said, adding, “This is it!”
I couldn’t agree more. We’ve been starving for music in our little village. We’ve been yearning for a place to gather and dance and celebrate life. If it means taking rumba lessons, then so be it. I’ll be the first in line.

ON THAT NOTE: Speaking of music, La Taza de Café is so authentic, even the musicians are Cuban. The Evelio Roque combo is from Havana, and Evelio now lives on Thornhill Drive, after marrying a teacher from Montclair. His Latin Jazz rhythm is punctuated by his talent on two reed instruments, the sax and clarinet. But Evelio ran into some bad luck recently when his clarinet was stolen while he was unloading his car for a gig. (Until he comes up with the money to replace it, he’s playing a more vintage instrument from his youth.) You can check out Evelio and his partner, Coto Pincheira, from 5-11 p.m. Thursday nights, and on Valentine’s night for the cafe’s special four-course dinner.

REMEMBERING THE ROCK: Readers are wondering why the rock on Skyline Drive is suddenly black. Who painted over the green and blue globe and the words that read “Vote for those who vote for the earth”? Was it a political statement? Or was it the boulder’s stealth artist — preparing the canvas for yet another masterpiece?

A LOT O’ CARS: Thanks to reader Dana Zimmer for mentioning yet another way to buy or sell a car these days. She says she’s had luck in Moraga with a used car lot along Moraga Way near the country club. Among the shiny SUVs and luxury sedans that line the road, she says she saw a “bimmer,” recently, with a sign that read “low mileage – driven mostly to the bank and back.”

SNAPPY ENDING: Just when you think Oakland has nothing but city slickers, you hear about a country hoedown. Last week’s party for outgoing Lake Merritt Breakfast Club president, Barbara Gerber, featured western singers and a lady rope trick artist, who used a bull whip to snap the stem off a rose. And don’t think the flower was just sitting in water. It was being held in Gerber’s chattering teeth. Ladies and gentlemen — that’s no bull!

I CAN SEE the headlines now: “Montclair Boy Makes Good!” Yes, Roger Price is a Montclair boy who, at the age of 67, is becoming an Ironman. This is no easy feat — even for a spry guy like Roger. The Ironman Canada is a daylong, 17-hour event with a 2.4 mile open water swim, a 112-mile bicycle ride and a 26.2-mile marathon run. I’m tired just writing about it.

But Roger is motivated by the money he’ll raise –for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. They provide the training and support and volunteers like Roger and two of his sons pledge to bring in donations. “The unusual part of this is that I am about 20 years older than any of the other athletes,” Roger says, adding that his love for running and biking goes back to his teen days of “commuting” to his job at Hunt’s Ice Cream Store in Montclair. “The long walk evolved into a jog and then a run (2- miles) and shortly into the Oakland High track team.” Roger went on to get a track scholarship at Cal.

Now he’s ready to run again — in the Ironman of Canada on Aug. 28. The only thing that will stop him is the level of donations it takes to qualify. He needs to raise $7,500 in pledges as soon as possible. If you’d like to help, you can contact me and I’ll put you in touch with Roger. It’s a great cause and it proves once again, that like a fine wine, some folks get better with age.

The link to donate to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society for Roger Price’s campaign in Ironman ’05 is www.teamintraining.org/participant/ price-156213.

MOVIE MANIA: With the cost of movies pushing nine bucks at the theaters, here’s a cheap alternative. Heck, it’s not even cheap — it’s free! The Montclair Library is using some of its Measure Q bond money to beef up its movie selection. So now you can check out classic thrillers like “Psycho” or westerns like “Unforgiven” –free for a week on DVD. What an improvement over the thin little selection of videos the library used to have. And I think most of those were donated.

BAG IT: San Francisco’s debate over a grocery bag surcharge has me thinking there must be a better way. Safeway Stores have one solution. They give you a rebate if you bring your own bags. Three cents for paper and a penny for plastic per bag. And what can you buy for small change these days? Not much, but if you save up for a year, you can make a pretty good run at the penny slots in Lake Tahoe. Even better, recycling bags is good for the environment.

HOUSE HUNTING: A new wave of housing has hit Oakland, and it’s being featured in AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) magazine. It’s called Cohousing, where residents plan their units and landscaping as a group — before ground is even broken. Once built, folks live in a friendly and cohesive community, even sharing nightly meals. Oakland has several Cohousing developments already, including Swan’s Market and Temescal Creek.

DANCING LADIES: You’ve heard of the Rockettes? Well these are the Mamas. The Samba Mamas, who meet every Saturday morning for the Latin dance class at Inside Out Studios on Piedmont Avenue. After an hour of hot Latin beat and sexy dance movements they head to the Broadway Terrace Cafe for, what else — a cup of java.

THERE’S a real division in our town today, between the haves and the have nots. Some of us have fat, and the rest do not. And among those lucky enough to wear spandex, there’s a whole subset of bikers who ride up and down the hills all day. Alison Stone is one of those pedalers, whose shocking pink outfit and saddlebags set her apart from the rest of the pack.

“I ride virtually every day to work in West Oakland,” she says, and in her spare time she does more riding, up and down the Tunnel Road and through the redwood canyons. “There are so many great places to ride, it is hard to know where to begin — but my favorites are Mt. Diablo — I do that at least once a week — and a great 40-mile, 4,500-foot loop from the house that includes going up Tunnel, along Skyline and Grizzly, down through Tilden, along Bear Creek Road, then up Happy Valley into Lafayette for a coffee frappacino, the bike trail to Moraga then home through Canyon and Montclair — where I almost always stop to do some shopping before the final grunt home.”

And if all that exercise isn’t enough, — riding 500 to 1,000 miles a month — Alison carries bricks in her saddlebags. Pink bricks! “It keeps me strong and ready to go,” she says, whether it be a ride from Istanbul, Turkey, to London, North Africa to the Arctic Circle, or a bike trip across the United States, which she and her husband, John Weiss, have completed four times.

So why all the pink? Alison says it’s a disarming color that gets folks to smile and wave as she rides by. And something else. “It invites people to talk to me — and has been one of best parts of my bicycling experience. I only did it for safety — and it has almost transformed my life.”

E-MAIL BAG: As the Montclair merchants consider the bounty of a possible Sunday farmer’s market, reader Marc Viale reacts to the news that a new restaurant is coming to town. “I read in your article that the old Paradise Pizza place may become a Mexican restaurant. Uggghh — We have five coffee shops, three Mexican restaurants, three florists, three candy shops, two juice places, etc. Can’t the Montclair merchants think out of the box?” he asks.

And reader Adam Herbert responds to my Jan. 7 column on stray cats with word of an ongoing cat abandonment problem near the Montclair Golf Restaurant: “My mother, Nancy Herbert, was one compassionate individual who took it upon herself to rescue a stray named “Sylvester”, and take him to the Lake Veterinary Hospital for emergency medical care after a run-in with a suspected raccoon,” he says, adding Sylvester was near death but has since been adopted into a warm, loving home. It’s hard to believe that anyone could be so cruel as to dump their family pet in the hills, leaving them to fend for themselves. With dogs and raccoons and other wild animals, it really is a jungle out there.”

TIM-BER: As the towering eucalyptus trees come tumbling down, you may be wondering what the future holds for Shepherd Canyon Park. More parking, for one thing, as crews push to accommodate the throngs of soccer players that descend upon the area most weekends. The Shepherd Canyon Homeowners Association has worked long and hard on a plan for the park, which includes replanting native trees in the area. Thanks SCHA!

DUTY CALLING: When nature calls during class time, teachers don’t always answer. But a local high school Spanish teacher has come up with a way to limit those disruptive bathroom breaks by students. Anyone needing to leave the room must first don a sombrero. It’s amazing how many students stay in their seats till class has ended.

IT’S NOT OFTEN you hear a catchy new song — one that puts a little bounce in your step. So much of today’s music is heavy metal din or urban rap — and it seems to feed the anger that some folks are feeling.

Enter a guy named Jeffy pop. No, that’s not his real name, but it seems to fit his light-hearted lyrics and pop music sound. And he’s an Oaklander, too.

Jeff Hanson has played for a bunch of big names. He’s opened for Counting Crows and Third Eye Blind. But to meet him, he’s the boy next door — the guy who helps you bring in your groceries or jump start your car when you need it. His modesty trumps this tremendous talent that allows him to not only write his own lyrics, but play all his own instruments.

In a home studio he built himself, Jeff carefully crafts the kind of pop music that can make artists famous. “My ‘studio’ is just a spare room in my apartment,” he says, “but it’s a comfortable space and I can work there without bothering anyone.”

Jeff’s neighbors don’t even hear the music, because he built a little vocal isolation booth out of a closet.

And where does he get inspiration? Some of it just comes from everyday life. “Stuff happens, some of it makes you think, and some of what you think about gets written down. Then you pick up a guitar and find a way to turn a line or two into a melody, and you’re off.” Jeff likes songs that tell a story, and like many boomers, he grew up listening to the Beatles and top 40 AM radio.

“I’m still, and will probably always be, drawn to the same things I’ve always loved in songs: a memorable melody and a big hook.”

Jeff’s solo CD “Here At Home” is available on his Web site . (http://www.jeffypoprecords.com/) Remember his name. As an old radio deejay, I predict he’ll be coming to a station near you — sometime soon.

CRIME ALERT: If you think your garage is a safe haven, keep reading. A hills neighbor was shocked the other morning to find that his van was gone from his garage. Somehow the door had been left open or opened on its own overnight, and someone took advantage of the situation.

Even worse than the missing car, the man’s wallet and personal information were inside the vehicle, along with some outgoing bills.

Oakland police are warning residents to keep their garage doors closed, their valuables in the house, and the door between the house and garage locked. Sad but true, we need to be on guard — even in the sanctuary of our own home.

E-MAIL BAG: The Town Crier’s column is read far and wide — even in Australia. A couple from Queensland checked in with reaction to last week’s piece on Cold Stone Creamery’s decision not to move to Montclair. The pair weren’t big fans of Cold Stone, but then I wouldn’t expect them to be.

They reportedly operate the No. 1 volume Baskin Robbins in all of Australia.

Speaking of Montclair, reader Michael Levy wants to know what’s happening to the old Paradise Pizza, which is undergoing a metamorphosis of sorts.

While I don’t know too much about it, apparently a Mexican restaurant is opening there. But there must be a flood of memories right now for long time villagers. With the paint being stripped off the signage above, it’s gone back a few decades to read “Montclair Hardware.”

READERS RECOMMEND: If you’re looking for something to do in January besides go to the gym, Dorothy Manly suggests Head Royce School’s upcoming performance of Carmina Burana. About 150 students from the music department will be involved in this major work by Carl Orff, including four of the school’s choirs and its orchestra. The concerts take place tomorrow and Sunday, as well as next Friday, at Regents Theatre at Holy Names University.

HEAVENLY HARMONIES: On the subject of music, have you heard the East Bay Urban Harmony Chorus? It’s one of the neat things about our multi-cultural community. They do everything from ’50s doo-wop to ’60s rock ‘n’ roll — even music from the ’70s and ’80s sneaks in. And it’s always a cappella, in four part harmony. If you want to add your voice to the mix, come to any of their Monday night rehearsals from 7 to 9 p.m. at St. Paul’s Church, 116 Montecito in Oakland.