WHO KNEW a photo could cause such a clamor? Since the Town Crier’s new picture appeared in the paper a few weeks ago, critics have been weighing in.

“It looks like you’re in a neck collar,” says one reader, who admits she had an entire discussion about it with her husband over breakfast. “Were you coming off a triple Venti?” asks another reader, who says I look “wired.” And finally, an impassioned plea from a fan who said she couldn’t bear to see me in “such pain.”

Well, I’ve got a confession to make. It’s not really me in that photo. I simply can’t risk running my own picture in the paper, considering my immense popularity. Would Betty Crocker have run her own photo on the corn muffin box? Would Dear Abby have allowed her own face on advice columns worldwide? Of course not. Suffice to say, if it were my photo, I’d look just like Ingrid Bergman. A very young Ingrid Bergman.

Enjoy the new photo. And please — no more letters.

CRIME WATCH: If they’re not stealing them, they’re smashing them. Oakland continues to be a hot spot for thieves and vandals who target cars parked on the streets. Neighbors on Bruns Court are the latest victims of a spate of destruction that occurred when vandals broke six car windshields last month. But smashing the glass apparently wasn’t enough. The thugs also jumped on the hoods, leaving deep dents as they kicked in the windshields.

MOM’S MEMORIAL: Many of you knew Montclair mom Denise Delee, who passed away July 6. Reader Dale Marie Golden says a memorial service will be held at 1 p.m. on Sept. 14 at Chapel of the Chimes on Piedmont Avenue and that a fund has been set up for Denise’s two girls.”Both girls went to Montclair Elementary, Montera and Bishop O’Dowd,” writes Golden. Denise had just turned 50 the week before she died. Donations can be sent to Alta Alliance Bank c/o Dale Marie Golden, 1337 Grand Ave. , Oakland , CA 94610.

COFFEE BREAK: To the average person, they’re just guys having coffee. But the men who hold court at Royal Ground each weekday morning are heavy hitters — even in retirement. There’s former criminal defense lawyer Lincoln Mintz, retired banker Al Koch, former longtime BART spokesman Mike Healy and six others who hash over the day’s news at their favorite table near the window. It’s a melding of the minds that belongs in a boardroom. But then, they wouldn’t be nearly as successful at solving the world’s problems.

JUST NUTS: From the wilds of Cal’s Lair the Bear Camp comes this tale from reader Joanne Gayton. She says a gray squirrel hitched a ride from the Sierra family camp all the way to her Oakland home, then tried to escape in her kitchen.

“He must have been hiding in the laundry bag,” she says, adding the critter led her dog and the kids on a wild goose chase through the house before finally following a trail of peanut butter-laced French fries out the back door.