MONTCLARION: October 30, 2009
What condition my condition is in…
The older we get, the more we like to talk about our conditions. Next week I’ll be getting a procedure called a hip resurfacing. Sounds like something you get in a car wash – but I’m talking surgery – involving a titanium cup and a cap.
Oh, the sins of my youth. Looking back, I realize I was a bit hard on my little hippy. I had some blockbuster falls on my right side – doing crazy things like riding bobsleds and rodeo bulls.
But the epic fall, I recall, was at Badger Pass in Yosemite. It was an unusually warm ski season and the only snow on the slopes was a slick layer of ice that no-one wanted to tackle. Why I did, is one of the great mysteries of life, and a moment I’d like to retract. I fell hard on my side and slid several hundred yards – wearing nothing but shorts and a t-shirt.
So now I’m getting this resurfacing, which has only been approved in the U.S. since 2006. It’s such an expensive surgery that some insurance companies send patients first class to Belgium – and throw in two weeks in a nice hotel.
My doctor’s doing it in Roseville. Now I’m not complaining because I hear he’s the best – but it would have nice to become bionic in Belgium.
Crime beat: Nothing is sacred, anymore, when it comes to theft. Even license plates are fair game for thieves who’ve been targeting cars on hills streets and driveways. If they can’t remove the registration sticker (which is really what they want) they take the whole plate – leaving you to do damage control at the DMV. How do we stay a step ahead of the bad guys? Police suggest slicing your sticker after applying it (so it comes off in pieces); buying tamper-proof plate holders; filing your bolts so they’re hard to unscrew or even putting Superglue on them. Make it hard enough and the thieves walk away. Or just take your whole car.
Street talk: Did you hear the one about the mom, the meter maid and the merchants? An anonymous reader says she was en route to a kiosk to pay for parking when she realized her car was in the crosshairs of a very aggressive parking enforcement officer. She ran back to stop the process but the officer said it was too late – she’d already started entering the information. An argument ensued and several Montclair merchants came out to defend the dear reader, who ultimately convinced the meter person to negate the ticket. Or so the officer claimed. Two weeks later, guess what came in the mail? You guessed it – the ticket. Will the madness ever stop?
Email bag: When someone takes the time to send me snail mail, I always try to give them a plug. Thanks to Herb C. for reminding me that life’s little irritants (robo calls, government debt, unemployment, etc…) can still inspire laughter. Herb sends a cartoon of a woman who flags down a policeman and says “Officer, everything in the world is bothering me.” If only we could lock ‘em all up, Herb.